‘Real Housewives Of Dallas’ Season 1, Episode 9 Recap: LeeAnne Locken Loses Her Marbles

Real Housewives of Dallas has redefined the phrase “the mistake by the lake” after a girls’ trip veers well off-course in the ninth episode of the debut season for Bravo’s Real Housewives Of… mega-franchise.

LeeAnne Locken loses her marbles after believing longtime friend, they claim to be close for over 20 years, Marie Reyes spilled the beans about Locken losing control of her bowels after a night of fasting and excessive drinking.

RHOD Episode 9 Recap: ‘Carny-Style’

The rift sent shockwaves through the lake house, built by the stars of Bravo’s newest bromance, Brian and Travis, husbands to Brandi Redmond and Stephanie Hollman respectively, when several cast members are awakened in the middle of the night by a storm passing through: Hurricane LeeAnne.

Cary Deuber, Stephanie and even Brandi, who was admittedly “two sheets to the wind,” are all startled by the most intimidating housewife in recent memory, stating they all heard LeeAnne berating Marie with venomous vitriol, including one-liners like “I will gut you,” and maybe the most exciting and confusing one-liners ever delivered on a Real Housewives program: “I’m gonna get you, carny-style.”

Meet Bravo’s new mega-star LeeAnne Locken

Whether you know what LeeAnne means by “carny-style” or not, (I certainly don’t have a clue. Does that mean she will stake her hands and feet to a wheel? Or that she will strap her into a spinning tea cup and crank up the speed?) Let’s let that marinate for a bit.

Believe it or not, LeeAnne’s cryptic language got even more complex when she attempted to explain that threatening to kill Reyes did not mean she would actually murder her.

“What you think is killing and what I think is killing are two different things,” Locken said.

Wait what?!?

But we will carousel back to that.

It all began on the ride down to Austin, aboard a party bus equipped with champagne and other spirits. Brandi, being the lovable former Cowboys cheerleader, party-girl that she is, relieves herself into a solo cup while the bus is in motion.

LeeAnne launches some subtle shade in Brandi’s direction scoffing, “I can go three hours without going to the bathroom.”

But Brandi blasts back: “It’s better than s—ting in the back of a car,” proving that it’s possible redheads do everything better.

LeeAnne plays it off as if she didn’t hear Brandi’s snarky retort, but upon arrival at the lake house she explains that the incident did, in fact, occur, recounting that she wanted to look/feel skinny for her birthday so she took some laxatives prior to a night out.

“‘F–k it, I’ll take a little Ex-Lax,'” Locken recalled thinking. “Then I drink too much and … it comes out. Is it something I wanna share with people? No.”

LeeAnne’s confession reveals how deeply embarrassed she is by any mention of the incident and her poop-crazed co-stars, Brandi and Stephanie, cannot seem to figure out ‘what’s the big deal about sliding some extra accessories in your underwear?’ (<Jerry Seinfeld voice>)

The humiliation turns to horror when Locken lashes out at Marie, justifying her threats to murder her longtime friend with some strange explanation intending to persuade all the women that, to her, “Killing,” means to cut a friend out of her life.

LeeAnne you’re right, that makes perfect sense … in a world where clowns are seen as trusted mentors and a Donald Trump impersonator barks orders at you and your colleagues.

Cary provides the best summary of the episode saying, “Hashtag, worst girls’ trip ever!”

Tune in Monday for the season finale of Real Housewives of Dallas.