Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek’s memoir The Answer Is … Reflections on My Life came out on Tuesday and is dedicated to “those who are hoping to become survivors,”  as Trebek has had an ongoing struggle with stage 5 pancreatic cancer. While he has put on a positive front to the public, Trebek revealed that he has struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts throughout his treatment.

Trebek told The Boston Herald, “You can’t be telling people ‘Keep your chin up, fight on!’ and then all of a sudden you counter that by: ‘What happened to Trebek?’ ‘Oh, he killed himself. He just got too discouraged.’” He added, “‘Well, hell, he was telling us to be positive. And then he did this negative thing.’ So, yeah. That’s the responsibility that has bothered me.”

Trebek said that he talked to his oncologist who had told him that these feelings were most likely a side effect to his treatment. He explained, “He told me not to feel embarrassed, but I said, ‘I do feel a little embarrassed. I feel like a wuss. It’s not that men shouldn’t cry. It’s that, my God, Alex, get yourself together, here,’” He remembered he started getting “very emotional for no reason that I can think of,” he went on, “And then, the moment was gone. Thank God these things don’t last long. I know that now, so it doesn’t scare me as much as it used to.”

On July 16, the Jeopardy Twitter account posted a video of Trebek making some announcements for the show. He explained that old episodes would be airing instead of new ones due to the coronavirus pandemic. Trebek closed the video by giving viewers an update on his health, “I’m doing well. I’ve been continuing my treatment and it is paying off. Though it does fatigue me a great deal, my numbers are good. I’m feeling great. In fact, during the break from the studio, I even wrote a book that will be coming out July 21st.”