Italian actress and model Asia Argento opened up this week about her relationship with late boyfriend Anthony Bourdain for the first time since the chef committed suicide in June.

Argento, 43, told Daily Mail TV in an emotional interview that she was scared of all the nasty comments she started receiving after Bourdain died. The celebrity chef’s suicide on June 8 shocked millions of people, and the Italian actress claimed people began blaming her for his death.

“People say I murdered him. People say I killed him,” Argento said, her voice breaking, referring to Bourdain. “I understand that the world needs to find a reason. I would like to find a reason, too. He was so deeply loved.”

Argento also addressed rumors that she had been unfaithful to Bourdain.

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“He had cheated on me, too. It wasn’t a problem with us,” she explained. “He was a man who traveled 265 days a year. When we saw each other we took really great pleasure in each other’s presence, but we are not children. I cannot think of Anthony as somebody who would do an extreme gesture like this [killing himself] for something like that [infidelity]. What I do feel terrible about is that he had so much pain inside of him and I didn’t see it. I did not see it. And for that I will feel guilty for the rest of my life.”

Argento revealed that she and Bourdain had been together for just over two years.

Last month, the actress drew headlines after actor Jimmy Bennett accused her of sexually assaulting him in 2013 when he was 17 and she was 37. Argento denied the claims and drew severe criticism because she became one of the leading voices of the #MeToo movement earlier this year after revealing disgraced producer Harvey Weinstein had assaulted her.