AnnaLynne McCord, star of 90210 and currently on Dallas, revealed that she was raped when she was 18, suffered from childhood abuse and declares she is “done staying quiet” in a new personal essay.

AnnaLynne McCord Describes Her Rape

McCord, best known for starring as Naomi Clark in 90210 (2008-2013), wrote an essay for Cosmopolitan in which she details her personal story as a victim of sexual abuse, recounting a night when she was raped by a male friend.

“One night, a guy friend called. He said he needed a good night’s sleep for a meeting, as he’d been crashing on someone’s couch. I had known him for some time, so I said to come over and I set him up with a clean towel. We sat on the bed and talked for a while, then I fell asleep. When I woke up, he was inside me,” McCord wrote.

McCord writes that the physical abuse she suffered as a child – her family’s idea of discipline – made her question her ability to get the man to stop.

“At first, I felt so disoriented and numb, I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. I wondered if I had done something to give him the wrong idea. I felt afraid of making him angry. Believe it or not, I didn’t want to offend him. I just wanted it to be over. My childhood had come back to haunt me again: Because of the physical abuse, I didn’t believe there were borders between other people’s bodies and my own. I didn’t believe I had a voice,” McCord continued.

Eventually, McCord did find the courage to get her assaulter to stop, but she did not force him to leave, nor did she explicitly tell him what he did was wrong. After her rape, McCord went into a downward spiral, becoming depressed and anti-social. It wasn’t until she told a few friends what had happened and saw their reactions that she realized she had the right to be angry.

AnnaLynne McCord Contemplated Suicide

McCord wrote that she buried the assault and continued to suffer through her early twenties, when finally she came to a low point after a fight with her boyfriend and considered suicide:

“I had pills and water in my hand and thought seriously about killing myself. I didn’t fear death – it felt like a solution. When you’re in that mode, you don’t think suicide is a selfish thing to do. You think you’re doing everyone a favor.”

After this low point, McCord received “professional help” and the actress writes that she truly began to heal after meeting female activist Somaly Mam, who helps rescue girls sold into sexual slavery. McCord concludes the article saying that now, at the age of 26, she is finally moving forward. She plans to go on a college speaking tour in the fall and was featured in the newest season of Dallas. Furthermore, McCord declares that she has fully embraced her sexuality.

“And I have a profound intimacy with the man I love, Dominic Purcell. I have wonderful, mind-blowing sex with my man, and it no longer causes me guilt or shame,” McCord stated proudly.

Finally, McCord reveals the purpose for writing such a personal essay:

“Most of all, I have my message for women and girls: You have a voice. Don’t put yourself in a box. Don’t let the polite lies of society silence you.”

McCord's essay will be published in the July 2014 issue of Cosmopolitan, to hit newsstands June 3.

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