The late great actor Alan Rickman, who passed away from prostate cancer in January 2016, is being discussed again because some pages of his personal journal were published online recently. The journal is going to be published by Henry Holt & Company as the book Madly Deeply: The Diaries Of Alan Rickman, and excerpts of it were shared with the public with his family’s permission.

As Harry Potter, and his role as Severus Snape, was one of the biggest roles of his career that he played for years upon years, it was inevitable that some entries about it came to light from his journal as well. It seemed that though Rickman was a consummate professional at work, he had some private thoughts about Harry Potter he aired in the journal.

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Hilariously, he referred to the now-iconic score for the movies, composed by John Williams as “hideous” in one entry. Rickman was even pretty lowkey about his casting in the project, saying he was “feeling nothing about HP” the day after he accepted the role.

Rickman also also said of his co-star Daniel Radcliffe that “I still don’t think he’s really an actor but he will undoubtedly direct/produce. And he has such quiet, dignified support from his parents.” This may seem harsh, but Radcliffe really learned acting on the job as a kid and became much, much more comfortable as an actor as time went on.

While discussing the shooting of Harry Potter & The Prisoner Of Azkaban, Rickman also reflected on the challenges the film’s rotating directors faced.

“He’s under the usual HP pressure,” Rickman wrote about Azkaban’s director, Alfonso Cuarón. “And even he starts rehearsing cameras before actors, and these kids need directing. They don’t know their lines, and Emma [Watson’s] diction is this side of Albania.”

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He later added that Cuaron’s take on Potter was “so full of daring that it made me smile and smile.”

Despite being cool on the series at the start, Rickman eventually committed to staying with the character, even when his cancer diagnosis came up in 2005.

“The argument that wins is the one that says: ‘See it through, it’s your story,'” Rickman wrote. He also wrote warmly about the end of the series, which reveals the seemingly cold-hearted Snape was actually working to protect Harry Potter for much of the series out of a love for his mother.

“Snape dies heroically, Potter describes him to his children as one of the bravest men he ever knew and calls his son Albus Severus. This was a genuine rite of passage,” Rickman recalled after reading The Deathly Hallows in a 2007 entry. “One small piece of knowledge from Jo Rowling seven years ago – Snape loved Lily – gave me a cliff edge to hang onto.”

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