Who is America’s Royal Couple?

The Kim Kardashian wedding was a major reality television hoopla. I don’t personally know anyone who cares that she married a football player, but apparently it was the wedding of the year. Oh yeah, except that other one that took place at Westminster Abbey, the one that involved the prince of Great Britain and a gorgeous new duchess. Because of the close dates of the Kardashian and royal weddings, some people went as far as calling Kim’s ceremony “America’s royal wedding.”

I refuse to accept this. I have accepted that a lot of people wanted to see Kim's dress, that celebrity blogs went crazy writing about everything from how Lindsay Lohan allegedly got drunk at the reception (hilarious!) to how tacky the wedding gifts are (Kardashian is Armenian for "tacky" right?). But I refuse to accept that the Kardashians are American royalty. I would love to have our own royal couple, though. So here are some of the more viable options:

Jay-Z and Beyonce

Is this not the obvious choice? Bey-Z is probably the biggest power couple that America has. Both are gorgeous, both have amazing careers both are entrepreneurs. Together they rule the hip-hop and pop music charts with a platinum fist studded with diamonds. What makes them so much more eligible for royalty than the Kardashians is that they tend to hide from the spotlight, only letting us in once in a while. Occasionally, we get a picture of them courtside at a Knicks game or whispering to each other at an awards show, but other than that the public is kept distanced from their personal lives. This is much more reminiscent of actual royalty who are above the rumor mills and tabloids. Didn’t Princess Di hiding from the spotlight just make her seem more loveable and charming? Same effect for Bey-Z. With the approaching birth of Baby Bey-Z, America is about to receive a new prince or princess of music, and as a country I think we are all united in joy for them.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

Similar to Bey-Z ruling the music world, Pitt and Jolie dominate Hollywood. Despite the fact that Jolie tends to make high-budget, low-quality action films, everyone still flocks to the theatre to see anything that these two are in. The main problem with the Kardashians is that they don’t rule anything. They have a reality show on E!, and that’s about it. Not only are Pitt and Jolie two of the biggest box office names, they have also tried their hand at writing, producing and directing. They are always the focus on any red carpet they choose to grace, and tabloids tend to use them as a plan B rumor mill if celebrity gossip has a slow week. Are Brad and Angie ever getting married? Does Brad still talk to Jennifer Anniston? Will the adoptions and pregnancies ever end? The entire scandal that brought Brangelina to power is what makes them such a strong candidate for America’s Royal Couple. Brad Pitt broke the heart of America’s sweetheart to run away with the temptress of Hollywood—it is all so Edward VIII abdicating the throne to marry Wallis Simpson, only Pitt didn’t have to abdicate his throne. He’s still king.

Amy Poehler and Will Arnett

This one is a bit of a stretch, I know. But is there anyone who doesn’t love these two? I would probably give my left arm just to have dinner with them at their house once. It would be the funniest night of my life, no doubt. As far as comedy television goes, Poehler and Arnett dominate different sectors. She is best known for live sketch comedy on Saturday Night Live while he is famous for being the magician Bluth brother on Arrested Development. Together they joined forces in “Blades of Glory” to completely upstage Will Ferrell, which is no easy feat. These two are good candidates for American royalty, because they are so much cooler than the rest of us. And in America, we prize coolness and hip-ness above most everything else in our celebrities. Remember when a nine-month pregnant Poehler did a Sarah Palin gangsta rap on SNL where she fake shot a moose? Let’s see Kate Middleton do that.

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith

Dear God,

Please don’t let the rumors that they are getting a divorce be true.

Sincerely,

America

Much in the same vein as Bey-Z, the Smiths are entrepreneurs that always seem to be expanding and taking over. Rap star, television stars, movie stars. In recent years, they have brought their children into their whirlpool of stardom. This is what the Smiths have above anyone else. They aren’t just a royal couple; they are a royal family. Their kids are becoming just as big of stars as their parents. Maybe over time, the other couples will shepherd their children into stardom, but for now, the Smiths rule the roost.

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton

The main problem with all the aforementioned candidates for royalty is their susceptibility to breaking up. No matter how powerful or invincible a couple may seem, shocking splits happen constantly. My theory is that when two people in the same job position, such as actor or singer (both of which require some heightened level of ego), jealousy can very easily tear a happy couple apart. For examples of this see Ryan Phillipe and Reese Witherspoon or Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. I say the safest bet is to marry somebody in a different position in entertainment. That’s why I propose the director/actor combo as royalty. These two both make amazing films and take on completely different roles in the making of them. When all else fails, they pool their collective stardom into movies such as “Big Fish.” Aren’t they also just so deliciously weird? If anything, in choosing a royal couple, America should set itself apart from the cookie-cutter British couple.