The Millionaire Matchmaker

Patti Stanger, matchmaker and star of Bravo television network’s reality series “Millionaire Matchmaker,” kicked off the new season on Monday night with “There’s No Place Like Home.” Patti is back in Los Angeles, ready to match together hearts and checkbooks and settling into a slick new office surrounded by blonde headshots and convertibles. The newly single millionaire matchmaker felt unappreciated in New York and looks forward to helping people in LA this season. Aside from losing a ton of weight, the dating guru has admitted to recently having a breast reduction and lipo under her chin. Her big mouth hasn't changed though, nor have the words that come out of it.

This season has Patti and her team, including Destin Pfaff and Rachel Federoff, returning from last season's excursion to the east coast. Patti woke up on the wrong side of the bed every day in New York City, ready to humiliate, judge and emasculate every man in sight. The ratings were higher than ever, but there was one very big problem – matches were not made. Bravo even changed the “99% success rate” statement in her show intro because it was starting to become ridiculous. Episode after episode we saw Patti throwing uncouth fits over those New Yorkers that were awful and impossible to match. In an interview with Star Magazine Patti complained, "The New Yorkers were all Negative Nellies. They didn’t want to date outside of their own zip code or go to the suburbs. It was constant complaints. If I were a guy, I wouldn’t want to sleep with that. I’m from there, so I can call it like I see it."

Meet her millionaires!

Michael is 34, owns a media and production company, and has an estimated net worth of about ten million dollars. He wants a woman who is in shape and elegant and lists Cate Blanchett as his celebrity crush. He is good looking, and Patty is curious to find out why he's still single. Patti quickly finds the answer as he immediately sets her off by detailing how he tests women to see if they meet his specific requirements. The first question Michael asks dates is whether or not they will "go topless on a beach.” If the potential suitor answers ”yes,” they get the axe; he needs to make sure his lady is classy. Patti judges his “bathing suit test” as a control issue and continues with one of her famous one liners: “A critical guy ends up in the nursing home alone.” Patti labels him a "tester."

Patti’s second millionaire is 39-year old Long Island native named Gary who owns web sites and has a net worth of about five million dollars. Stanger is quick to ridicule the internet entrepreneur, as he reminds her of how glad she was to be home, far away from New York. Gary's video interview overtly reveals he is a batty germ freak who exhibits many symptoms of obsessive compulsive disorder, and it is unclear what he is looking for in a woman. He says he wants to find a "nice" west coast woman who would be willing to take multiple showers a day at his request. When Patti meets him in person, he seems to have multiple personalities, as he gives different answers than what he said on the recorded introduction. Patti's assessment of him? She doesn't know who the real Gary is.

Patti meets each man separately and lays them both out for being strange, socially unaware and unrealistic about expectations for long-term relationships. She warns them both in her brazen way to behave and keep open minds at their upcoming joint mixer.

As the Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti knows a thing or two about how to win the heart of a wealthy man, and anyone who has seen the show knows she is not subtle with her words when it comes to telling clients how they should change their weight, hair color or behavior to improve their dating prospects. Patti's trademark take-control attitude was one in a million in New York City, but she truly shines when she’s yapping at her sun-kissed, clueless, narcissistic west coast clientele.

Unlike NYC, there was so much peroxide at the mixer auditions, I was surprised to see no one pass out. There were also plenty of fake tans, trashy short skirts, huge fake boobs and stripper heels. Patti marched through the line of women like they were animals and was brutally frank without a second’s regret. The relationship guru has style guidelines and rules for women and warns if they refuse to look and act as she says, they will never get a man let alone a second date. A few of Patti's rules: always wear your hair straight (according to Patti, wealthy men like straight hair they can run their hands through); wear form fitting clothes; and never even think about sporting red hair, which she considers to be a dating faux pas. Patti must be clueless to the style of the Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton, because she told one woman to rip off her pantyhose and never wear them again. Then she told the camera she thought they were outlawed in 1945.

At the mixer, both Gary and Michael were nervous and pretty dull as they tried to connect with the women competing for their time. Michael chose mini-dates with Jennifer and Tami and ultimately selected Tami, the pretty and worldly hairdresser. Gary, who showed another new personality, chose Bonnie and Tiffanie for mini dates. Tiffanie and Gary talked effortlessly and discovered they had a mutual interest in boating, while Bonnie loves basketball games, something Gary admittedly has no interest in. He didn't seem to be the least bit interested in Bonnie, and we were sure the obvious choice for Gary was Tiffanie. Shockingly, Gary chose Bonnie, but only because she was the one he wanted to sleep with the most. Gary unabashedly admitted this to Patti and even added that he hoped to have sex with Bonnie as soon as possible. Patti rolled her eyes but surprisingly, she didn't freak out at all.

Gary and his multiple personalities arranged a helicopter date that didn't work out so well. The helicopter ride over the California coast made Bonnie nauseated, and she complained her brain was vibrating. Despite the fact that Bonnie hated the helicopter, Gary told the cameras that she appeared to be enjoying it. Maybe if he took his eyes off her boobs and considered the feelings of someone other than himself, he would have seen the terror and discomfort Bonnie was feeling. After the ride in the sky, he whisked her off to a boat for dinner. During dinner, Gary looked just about everywhere except at Bonnie as they tried to have a conversation. Eventually it became so obnoxious she finally had to call him out on it. When he toasted for a good first date, she told him the helicopter ride wasn't romantic enough. Showing effort, Gary asked her to go out on another date with him to a Lakers game—something she actually enjoys. They kissed, and Bonnie said she enjoyed it . Bonnie told Patti that Gary seemed nervous and shy, but she would definitely go out with him again. Gary and Bonnie are supposedly still dating, and she's enjoying his many personalities.

Meanwhile, Michael didn’t listen to Patti and decided to create a test date for poor Tami. Michael surprised Tami with an impromptu photo shoot where she hesitantly posed next to a luxury car for him. She thought it was odd activity for a first date and didn't like being the center of attention, but she went along with it. Michael said the purpose of the shoot was to judge how open and comfortable a person she was. They went to a nice restaurant afterward, where Tami stuck it out for dinner. The dinner conversation went well, and Tammi seemed interested while Michael that Tami did nothing to “put me off her” (pretentious?). He kissed her at the dinner table and told her he wanted to see her again.

The next day, Patti spoke with the women and the millionaires and astonishingly, Bonnie and Gary really seemed like a good match. Mamma matchmaker was pleased with shallow Gary for pulling it together and putting his best personality forward. But after her chat with Tami, Michael got a classic Patti verbal beating as she yelled at him for defying her warnings and testing Tami. Michael was stunned at the feedback and made a very big mistake—trying to shut Patti down in an argument. We almost saw the steam coming out of her ears as she fired him from the club and kicked him out for disrespecting her. He left, calling her a whore in Italian as he slunk away. Michael did see Tami once more, but she ended things when she felt "something was off."

As always, Patti will spend each episode setting up two wealthy clients, including a former NFL player and Million Dollar Listing’s Madison Hildebrand. With any luck, she’ll actually get a couple to their second date this season. What else can we expect on the all new season? Patti will have some extra help as she calls on celebrity friends Tori Spelling and Jenny McCarthy to provide expert advice for her hapless millionaires. We will also get to see a newly single and ready to mingle Patti try to find her own perfect match and rumor is, we will see her turn unbelievably demure on her own dates!