Snooki’s Pregnant: Now What?

Juicehead gorillas and doomsayers the world over are heralding the prophesized approach of Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi’s first born child with longtime boy toy, Jionni LaValle. Though representatives of the diminutive reality TV star initially made no comment, neither confirming nor denying the reports, sources told the New York Post that Snooki is indeed three or four months along and that she’s already brokered a deal with UsWeekly to break the news. Now that the rumors have been substantiated, and while we’re all waiting on tenterhooks for the official announcement, there are some interesting questions to consider — questions that may have The Jersey Shore producers pulling their hair out looking for answers.

It was only a matter of time before somebody on the Shore got someone pregnant. The cast spends a lot of nights rolling around under the sheets with random, DTF dudes and dudettes, and from our infrared perspective it looks as if some serious smushing is going on. Sure, contraceptives probably fit into one acronym or another (KVC: Karma, Vodka, Condoms), but if Snooki got pregnant, then there must have been a breakdown somewhere in the line. And these types of breakdowns can lead to pretty dire consequences — imagine G(ym) but no L(aundry). So why isn’t pregnancy in MTV’s contingency plan? Are the executives really that short-sighted?

Let’s think of all the immediate reasons why any of the cast members of The Jersey Shore shouldn’t be allowed to have children. Too easy? Now let’s think of all the reasons why MTV would want to keep its property progeny-less. The Jersey Shore has already seen a wane in ratings; the majority of the household is on good terms with each other, and aside from a mildly interesting scheming Sitch, things are pretty much by the books and, well, boring. While an expectant Snooki shopping for leopard skin booties or baby-safe bronzer may provide a smidge of entertainment, it will never compare to the drunken, bare-butt, tabletop escapades we’ve come to expect. And we can only hope with whatever faith we have left in humanity that Snooki will cut back on the partying now that she’s got a bun in the oven.

Unfortunately for MTV, respectable, responsible, real human beings don’t equal dollar signs, and throwing an infant into the orange-ish mix might mean sudden death for the franchise. However, all good things (or, in this case, guilty pleasures) must come to an end, and what I had initially thought was the charm of The Jersey Shore — a steady cast as opposed to the revolving door of shows like The Real World — may turn out to be its fatal flaw. It was only a matter of time till the Jersey gang started to get along and the show's driving force (read: drama) began to dissipate. After all, they’ve spent years and years living and working with each other. Maybe, just maybe, they’re growing up, and as the drunken haze clears and the immaturity dries up, so too shall the ratings.

Let’s face it: The Jersey Shore is over and a pregnant Snooki is just the nail in the coffin.

So what’s an unemployed, over-the-hill beefcake or meatball supposed to do? Can you say, “spin off”? MTV just released a super trailer for Pauly D’s new reality show, The Pauly D Project, and Snooki and JWoww are getting their own show based in Jersey City. It’s been reported that three bars in Jersey City have turned down MTV’s request to film on the premises, which gives me pause. Will Snooki continue to be the Grey Goose-swilling wild child? Surely not. But one thing is certain: If The Jersey Shore is on its way out, then MTV is going to milk all it can out of its mechanically tanned cash cows.

Deena, Sammi and Ronnie are minor characters nowadays, Vinnie doesn’t seem to want anything more to do with the Shore (judging from his recent but brief hiatus), and it’s become impossible to take The Situation seriously anymore. The man is turning into a sniveling, muscle-bound Howard Hughes, I swear. As far as Pauly D goes, at least he’s got a DJ gig to fall back on if his new show falls through. So it looks like all MTV’s hopes and aspirations land squarely on Snooki’s shoulders — and JWoww’s too, I guess. But who didn’t expect that? Since day one, Snooki has been the breakout character. Ever since some agro dude decked her, the world has been watching Snooki with baited breath. Ok, so maybe that’s an exaggeration, but that furry-boot-wearing, pintsized, pickle-loving party animal put The Jersey Shore on the map. There’s no doubt about that.

However, when all’s said and done, my biggest concern is how Snooki will deal with being a mother — and a wife — especially in a public sphere. I’ve always considered Snooki a product of her environment, a semi-normal person given fame and money, and let loose in a party town. Honestly, most of us would act the same way. Her situation is almost existential, if you think about it. I never blamed Snooki, wished her ill will, or even thought she was trashy (well, maybe just a little). But now, with a baby on the way, she has to make a choice. Will she go the way of the Kardashian, exploiting every private, sacred moment for a quick buck? Or will she grow up, get a real job, and be a contributing member to society?

You’ve made enough money, Snooki, now grow up, please. The world doesn’t need another Kardashian.