My Not-So-Sexy Encounter With Tiger Woods

I had the privilege of being present at 2009’s U.S. Open Championship (golf, not tennis), although I wasn’t one of those people buying $6 cups of beer and wielding a commemorative umbrella. My temp agency had placed me at Bethpage State Park to do maintenance on the golf course. For two weeks, I slaved for ten hours a day, hauling hundreds of 40-pound garbage bags and picking up slimy napkin particles with my bare hands.

To make matters worse, the course was flooded with a torrential downpour of rain that muddied my entire body and attracted all of Long Island’s mosquitoes. I did get to drive the garbage cart around while the games were being played, and I spotted a few famous faces. In the distance, over the rise of a hill, I caught a glimpse of the illustrious Tiger Woods.

Although I am almost completely in the dark about professional golf (my grandmother watches it, and sometimes I’ll sit in with her for a moment), I have still heard a lot about Tiger Woods. I heard a lot about him even before his life was turned around a few months ago. If you’re good enough at golf that people who think golf is the most boring sport ever still know you’re the best, you aren’t likely to be forgotten quickly.

That’s why Tiger shouldn’t feel too worried. He may have lost his dignity, but in the end, he is still going to be talented and filthy rich. Isn’t that the most important thing?

Because there is simply no way that Tiger could have expected to keep everything a secret. Common sense dictates that when you have that high of a profile, everyone will eventually find out almost anything that you have ever done, ever. Having thirteen (alleged) mistresses, give-or-take, is hard to miss. One of the women got greedy. Just like Tiger. But since he must have seen it coming, I can assume he’s taking it in stride, and I won’t pity him.

A public statement in a case like this is the obligatory next step, and Tiger delivered his on Feb. 19. He apologized for his “irresponsible and selfish behavior” and urged respect for Elin and the children. He promised to continue undergoing therapy and to stay true to Buddhist teachings. “Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security,” said Tiger. “It teaches me to stop following every impulse…obviously, I lost track of what I was taught.”

I don’t think anybody would disagree with him there. Also, nobody seems to be buying it – YouTube comments on the video of the speech overwhelmingly accuse Tiger of speaking for corporate reasons rather than out of genuine remorse to his family and fans. Whatever. All I know is that Tiger is still set for life. And what about me? I will continue to make a perfectly adequate living out of writing and picking up your garbage – and if I get married, I won’t cheat on my husband. Not even once.

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