Lindsey Lohan Can't Hold A Candle In The Wind To Marilyn Monroe

Over the years, Lindsay Lohan has not so subtly pushed the idea on the public that she is a modern day Marilyn Monroe. She did a Monroe themed magazine spread back in 2008 for New York Magazine that piqued everybody’s interest. For that spread, she threw her trademark red hair to the curb for a bleached-out look. Some people have even compared her troubled times to those of the film icon. Now she is being targeted for writing an intro to a new Monroe biography called “Marilyn: Intimate Exposures” in which she says she’s “just like Marilyn.” So let’s all take a deep breath, look at the situation and just stop this. It is absolutely ridiculous. Lindsay Lohan needs to stop comparing herself to Monroe and here’s why.

Marilyn Monroe was a film superstar, Lohan is not. Okay, "Mean Girls" was pretty great, and I have fond memories of my mother taking me to see "The Parent Trap" when I was a preteen. However, I have much fonder memories of watching Monroe slink around in that pink dress in "Gentleman Prefer Blondes," laughing at her ditzy performance in "Seven Year Itch" and feeling her pain when she laments about falling for musicians in "Some Like it Hot." A lot of people have touted Lohan’s acting ability, mentioning such films as "Prairie Home Companion" as examples of her mysterious acting chops. But starring in a few successful movies does not a Monroe make. For decades people have fallen in love with Monroe’s breathy voice, the sad eyes and the charming personality. She starred in a number of classic movies that will forever be a part of film history. Is anybody really falling in love with Lohan anymore, and is anyone going to be watching "Mean Girls" in 20 years? It’s a good teen-film, but let’s face it, any of John Hughes's films are more likely to stand the test of time.

Lohan had a chance to be great, and she threw it away. Even if Lohan does have talent, which so many people want to claim she does, she needs to prove it, and spending years in and out of rehab is not appropriately demonstrative of acting skills. While Monroe typecast herself as the ditzy blonde, she did take on some interesting roles that demonstrated a deeper level to her ability. Her final film, "The Misfits," shows her in a different light, someone who can handle dramatic roles in addition to lighting up a screen in comedies. Monroe also continuously produced throughout her career. Despite her troubled personal life, she made good movies on a consistent basis. Lohan has not come out with a popular movie in years and seems to be having a rough time convincing directors that she’s worth the enormous gamble.

Marilyn did have a leg-up on Lohan by being part of an era of high glamour and less paparazzi exposure—I’ll give her that. But Monroe’s look is absolutely timeless. The blonde hair, the pouty lips, the bedroom eyes and the hourglass figure. Her wardrobe is instantly recognizable. When Madonna made the video for “Material Girl,” no one had to second guess whom she was imitating. Same goes for any drag queen who dons a blond wig and a low cut white dress. It’s classic Marilyn, and it’s an awesome Halloween costume as well. I’m not sure how I would dress up like Lohan for Halloween. I might just smear all the makeup on my face, stick a cigarette in my mouth and not wear any underwear. You know, really class it up.

Both actresses were also well-known for their personal lives, but aren’t we all at the point where we are kind of sick of hearing about Lohan’s failed relationships? It has been fifty years, and most people are still fascinated by Monroe’s love life. Her relationship resume includes Yankees star Joe Dimaggio, legendary playwright Arthur Miller and John F. Kennedy. Think about that. We are talking about one of the best sports stars, a writer who is still read in high school classrooms around the country and a president. Samantha Ronson? Spare me.

Like Monroe, Lohan is a big fan of publicity stunts, throwing rumor mills into full throttle and keeping her name on everybody’s mind. Again, it comes down to class though. Lohan’s celebrity consists of being frenemies with Paris Hilton, forgetting her underwear, being arrested for drunk driving and fighting with her parents. Marilyn Monroe went abroad and sang for the troops in Korea, she wed Joe Dimaggio at city hall in a brown broadcloth suit and she sang “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” to JFK in a practically see-through dress. Basically, Monroe’s stunts were epic while Lohan’s are embarrassing.

Mainly, Lohan wants to compare herself to Monroe in order to excuse her bad behavior. It is well-known that Monroe had self-esteem issues, tabloid-fodder relationships and drug issues, similar to some of the things that have plagued Lohan the past couple of years. The main difference here is that Monroe’s story is heart-breaking. Lohan is just spoiled and annoying. Monroe was a young girl dying for stardom and approval. The world turned her into a vulnerable sex symbol. She had her heart-broken repeatedly, and in turn she broke our hearts by quietly dying in some hotel room in her prime. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be sad if Lindsay Lohan were to die. It’s always sad when someone young passes away. But Monroe caved under the pressures the world placed upon her. Elton John said it best when he called her a candle in the wind. Lindsay Lohan put this on herself. She’s a self-indulgent, spoiled brat who throws herself into the tacky glare of the paparazzi. Partying all night and throwing away a promising career is completely her fault, and no one really feels bad for her anymore. She’s not a candle in the wind, she’s a dumb rabbit who hopped into the cougar’s den. Elton John is not likely going to write a song with that kind of title.