The other day Hulk Hogan’s ex-wife Linda got engaged to her 21-year-old boyfriend Charlie Hill. The Hulkamaniac’s publicist issued a statement saying, "Hulk is very happy for Linda, and wishes them both well." Linda and Charlie will swap vows, sometime next summer aboard her new yacht, named “Alimony.”

Now Hollywood Hulk Hogan may be happy for Linda, but New Jersey Andy Bankin sure isn’t! When the Hulkster and Linda got divorced some years ago, I thought “hey Andy, now’s your chance. Your dream woman: Linda Hogan herself, is finally available.” I played it coy at first. The end of a marriage is a sensitive time, and the last thing I wanted to do was seem like some sort of creep, or worse…a gold-digger, only out for her money.

 

Her money is only 80% of what I find attractive about her.

 

I mean just look at her. This is a strong (physically and emotionally), intellectual, and sophisticated woman. Just look into those big beautiful blue/green/brown/hazel/grey eyes. Imagine brushing her all natural blonde bangs behind her tanned orange ears. Naturally tanned mind you! Those Jersey Shore kids spend hundreds of dollars on tanning beds to look weird and orange like that. Linda Hogan captures that look the all-natural way. Leathery and orange is just the way the good lord made her – and I’ve got to believe that the He spent some extra time making Linda extra special, because you don’t just become the jewel of Tampa by some happy accident.

 

I thought after years of being married to “Mr. America,” Linda would be looking for a “Mr. Nebbishy Jew,” and we would spend our nights sailing on the “Alimony,” me massaging her firm broad shoulders under a blanket of the stars in the night’s sky. I would show her previously forbidden pleasures, like the Macho Man Randy Savage-endorsed “Slim Jim” snacks. “Hulk can’t stop you from enjoying jerky-like meat products endorsed by rivals now,” I would whisper to her.

 

But alas, it was nothing more than a romantic dream. Linda has chosen Charlie Hill, a svelte blonde boy, so strong and pretty, I initially mistook him for her daughter Brooke, and I’ve got to live with that.

 

Linda has moved on, and so must I. There are plenty of other sugar momma fish in the alimony sea, and I can’t just sit around and let another dream woman pass me by. If you want something bad enough, you’ve got to go for it, and that’s precisely what I plan on doing.

 

However I refuse to just go with the first name out of the hat, so to speak. Linda was an angel, and if I’m ever to love again, I need to find someone equally special. So I decided to weigh my options and came up with a list of candidates that I think I could get behind.

 

First on my list is the soon to be ex-Mrs. Tiger Woods, Elin Nordegren. Sure she’s no Linda Hogan in the looks department, but as a Swedish model, she comes as close as she’s able to. And the kid tries hard; you can’t fault her for that. Elin is set to make $100 million dollars in her settlement, which is plenty if you want to buy yachts and give them obnoxious names, but is certainly less than the $750 million she was initially going to get for leaving the golfer. I’m sorry Elin, but I don’t like being lied to. When I read an article several months ago, and it said 750, I took that and ran. Forgive me if I’m not mistaken, but that sort of spontaneous childlike whimsy is what made you fall in love with me in the first place. You had ample time to set me straight, and you didn’t. I put the blame solely on you. No one likes secrets, Elin. That’s why I’m going with…

 

…Robyn Moore Gibson! Officially the status of her marriage to Mel is that they are “legally separated.” But if having an illegitimate love child with a crazy Russian woman, who you then threaten repeatedly, using every slur the English language has to offer, doesn’t make you leave a man, then that’s true love, and I refuse to stand in the way of that. It would also help for you to know, Robyn, that my family comes from both Moscow and St. Petersburg. So why not have a little Russian secret of your own, know what I’m saying?

 

If neither of those options work out then I’ll do what desperate shows looking for a quick ratings bump will do, and marry Betty White. Sure the gossip mags will have a field day at first, but eventually they’ll recognize true love when they see it and understand. “Oh I get it, it’s funny because she’s old,” they’ll exclaim. Betty you’re a legend. At this point in your life, you deserve to be taken care of by some adorable little Jewish man-candy. And I’m practically as little as you are. Let me be the Laverne to your Shirley. Or the Walter to your Maude. I’m not sure which one was your show. Love knows no imdb fact-checking. All I know is you made me laugh on SNL, and I want to spend the rest of your days with you.

Call me?