Dear Lea Michele’s Nose,

All this mishigas about getting you fixed is unnerving. You don’t deserve as much criticism as you’re getting, and frankly you’ve got nothing on me. I’ve been following your work on Broadway for many years, and I never even noticed you were particularly “bad.” One of the few episodes I’ve seen of Glee was the “Born This Way” episode in which you were considering undergoing plastic surgery. Not only was I appalled that that was a storyline, but that making fun of you was a running joke throughout the series.

Honestly though, I can’t wrap my nostrils around your defects. So you’re not a perfect button nose like the talentless Megan Fox’s, but I would never describe you as a beak. You don’t have a bump like me, and you’re certainly not crooked! Maybe your tip is a little droopy, but Penelope Cruz has plenty of extra cartilage on the tip of hers. So you’re set a bit wide, and you stick out a little more than others from the side. Well guess what? You’re Italian. It’s not every day that women who come from backgrounds with strong ethnic features have achieved a place in the spotlight.

There are plenty of other actresses that don’t have perfect noses: Meryl Streep, Sarah Jessica Parker, Idina Menzel, Sarah Michelle Geller, just to name a few. Maybe I’m desensitized to your imperfection because I have my own flaws, but that doesn’t make it any worse. I’m sure you’ve heard that we give people character, but it’s true. A nose is something to talk about. We’re smack-dab in the middle of someone’s face and they can pay thousands of dollars to change it if they don’t like it. But we are not what determine a person’s success; in fact we make people more unique. You are especially lucky because you’re becoming popular in a generation where every kid is striving for individuality.

I appreciate that Lea resonates with Barbra and aspires to be like her because of you and I. I didn’t define Barbra, and there’s no reason you should define Lea either. Barbra’s talent distracted people from my presence on her face, and that’s what Lea needs to do.

You are not Lea’s problem, and her height isn’t her problem either. Lea is much more beautiful than Barbra ever was, but beauty only gets a girl so far. Lea complains about looking young, but she acts young. Despite her strong vocals, she doesn’t act like a woman the way Barbra always has. This could be largely attributed to the fact that Lea often plays the role of an adolescent girl, whether it’s on Glee or in the Broadway musical, Spring Awakening.

Lea wants to be a classic, and her upcoming role in the film New Year’s Eve isn’t going to help her out either. She needs to do an absolutely individual project in order to become a household name. Once she stops being Rachel Berry on the cast of Glee, she will finally have a real opportunity to shine, and everyone will forget all about you. Let her know she needs to change her image and have a real style breakthrough in order to get en route to Barbradom. Tell her to stick with bangs—they’re a good face framer and will tone you down a bit.

All My Best,

Barbara Streisand’s Nose