‘What Would Ryan Lochte Do?’ TV Review: First Two Episodes Focus On Dumb Jock Archetype

What Would Ryan Lochte Do?, E!’s latest reality TV series, focuses on the day-to-day life of Olympic medalist swimmer Ryan Lochte. It’s pretty apparent two episodes in that Lochte is primarily concerned with boozing, picking up young women, bonding and bickering with his family members, talking up his fashion line and, of course, swimming. The show’s ambition is to make viewers laugh while endearing them to Lochte, a man-child of a professional athlete. At times it succeeds, at others (like when it’s relying on the humor found in Lochte offering a blank stare and a stutter when posed a question) get old pretty quickly.

The premiere of ‘What Would Ryan Lochte Do?’ opened up with Ryan’s impressively large group of friends engaging in a game of flag football. Since it was a co-ed group, Lochte couldn’t resist making a joke about the girls being “skins” in the shirts vs. skins game. However, it’s soon obvious that one thing Lochte enjoys more than getting girls to take their shirts off is bearing his own chest, as he quickly rips off his shirt.

After the flag football game, Lochte and Devon host a party at their house. The best part of the scene is when the swimmer is hitting on one of the female attendees. When she tells him she’s a dancer, he asks her to get on her toes. In sandals, the girl awkwardly tiptoes in a circle with as much grace as a linebacker at a team-mandated dance lesson. It’s one of the few times viewers can share Lochte’s coined look of bewilderment.

After the party, the group heads to a little bar in Gainesville, Fla. The camera takes pains to linger on Lochte’s outfit – a black t-shirt with “Turn it ud” written on it, cargo shorts past his knees, athletic socks that reach mid calf and Converse with a “Lochte” flair. “Turn it ud,” as it happens, is also his favorite “Lochteism” of the night. He hits on a few girls at the Cantina, cashing in on his fame by pouring shots behind the bar in one second, while playing humble the next. By the end of the night he managed to convince a girl to grab sushi with him. The eventual date is awkward without being funny. The blond girl with the “nice upper body” had never had sushi and didn’t know what wontons were and was moving to L.A. Sure, Sure, Sure.

At bowling, the Lochte clan gives their star boy hell for his fun-loving lifestyle and dating strategies. Back at his house, later in the episode, the sisters team up on their brother for bringing every girl he meets to the same sushi restaurant, because as he says, “Every girl likes sushi.” What’s more revealing is that in the same conversation he admits that What Women Want is one of his favorite movies, and believes that if he had Mel Gibson’s character’s talent he’d be a superhero.

For those who thought that the second episode would offer a few more dimensions of what Lochte does, it was most likely a bit of a disappointment. Although Lochte claims to not know what a douchebag is, he’s certainly got the persona down pat – especially on the golf course. Along with his manager/ obligatory friend, he drives maniacally around the green, while sipping booze out of 32 oz. cups and sporting a shirt (probably a Lochte original design) that simply states Golf Sucks. Oh the irony. Hipsters everywhere would be so proud… if they were watching.

After pranking his little brother (who he affectionately calls Chunks) with an unpleasant wakeup, Lochte is off to Washington, D.C. with his mother. Walking the mall, he has his mother take a picture of him so that it looks like his arm is around Lincoln’s shoulders at the Lincoln Memorial, and another so that it looks like his hand is touching the tip of the obelisk of the Washington Memorial. He goofs off at the podium and wonders if he’d be the first to pee in the reflecting pool if he unzipped and let it flow. It was all pretty unoriginal.

After the day of sightseeing, Lochte and his mom head out for some casual drinks. A young professional D.C. type recognizes Lochte and approaches him before asking him to come meet her friends at a nearby table. Honestly, I would be shocked if these three women even knew each other before the producers brought them together and told them to ask their show’s star every policy they could think of. It made me start wishing for more optical illusion picture fails.

Finally, the episode gets to the reason why Lochte is in Washington. He’s there to give a speech at a fundraising event for muscular dystrophy research. He explains that the disease is close to him, as his uncle’s brother (another uncle?) suffered from the ailment. Although his preparation consisted of little more than a few bullet points, he manages to pull off a respectable speech. His mother, known for her waterworks in the stands of the swimming pool, sheds some tears of pride during his brief statements. Afterwards, Lochte avows that he’s a kickass speaker.

Lochte’s douchebaggery, real or played out stupidity and the producers’ heavy hand in creating material are going to make this reality TV enterprise a short-lived one for E!. It would be surprising if it made it to a season 2, as it’s obvious already that it’s a struggle to piece together each episode. What 30-minute reality show with good material has multiple flashbacks to scenes that took place 5 minutes earlier in an episode?

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