Tool Academy – Season Two

Back in the pre-HD era when CGI-based characters were but a dream and children played with the primitive Playstation v1.0, one of the very first reality shows featured a contestant that people loved to hate: Richard Hatch, the original winner of Survivor. Now, in the modern era, many reality shows feature contestants that, had they lived in prehistoric times, would have been excluded, exiled, or executed, and rightly so. I don’t mean the misunderstood or societal outsiders, but the jerks, the bullies, the egotists. When these specimens are on a television screen, however, something magical happens. They become irresistible to watch, just for the simple thought that you are sharing your hatred of them with millions of others.

Last year, VH1’s Tool Academy dared to exploit this dark aspect of human nature. It featured couples whose relationships had been tested to their limits by the behavior of the men: macho, tattooed, gelled-up, six-packed, sleeve-ripping, loud, sex-starved, obnoxious, stupid, narcissistic, bastards whom the show dubs “Tools.” The girlfriends got them to participate by tricking them into going on a reality show based on manliness. Little did the Tools know that the reality show was a relationship-therapy game show, and one where the couple that lasts the longest wins a hundred thousand dollars. It was great.

The first episode of Tool Academy Season 2 begins with a new batch of doofuses, this time told that they are competing to be the “International Party King,” a spokes-douche for a female-targeting energy drink called “her” (which is, strangely enough, real). During the introduction, one of the tools speaks highly of himself, saying: “It’s literally like my mother spewed out gold from her vagina.” Classy.

During the initial fake photo-shoot-competition, each tool comes out to pose for a crowd of cheering women, while the girlfriends watch from another room. The show provides monikers that will follow the tools through season: there’s Dancin’ Tool, Special Tool, B-Boy Wannabe Tool, Giant Tool, Spray Tan Tool, Old Tool, Guy Liner Tool, Tat-Tool, Manscaped Tool, Hillbilly Tool, Strong Island Tool, and Sh*t Talking Tool, and a man named “Charm” – who during the shoot comes out naked. Another Tool smashes a bottle over his head and screams to the cheering women: “Who wants to come home with me?” His girlfriend mumbles: “I officially no longer feel bad for bringing him here.”

Swiftly enough the ruse is revealed and the tools are face-to-face with their girlfriends, each looking like she is about to have an aneurism. One of the tools comments: “Leah was pissed off to the highest prestivity [sic].” They are whisked away to a rented mansion in Southern California, and soon all the couples are in one room facing the likeable and lovely Trina, some sort of British psychologist. These therapy sessions are the heart of the show; for the first one, the couples watch the men’s pre-show interviews with ghastly results. “You can’t tie me down sexually,” one of the tools says in the interview. “I’m the real deal… bad boyfriend, great friend, great lay,” says another. “Why am I not enough for you?” one of the girlfriends begs, weeping.

The Tools then participate in a challenge (the first involves bailing out boats), and the winning couple gets to have a date (read: sex) that night. The challenges otherwise are simply exercises so that Trina can judge each couple on their communication and progress. She, the show has you believe, makes the decision of whom to eliminate.

Finally, at the elimination for the first show of the season, we are given a treat; the Tool who gets eliminated refuses to leave. “I’m not going to be the first one to go home,” he whines. The producers and security talk to him to no avail until the actual host, Jordan Murphy (of For the Love of Money fame) comes out and says: “You're a tool, you've been expelled, get the f*ck out!”

For some, Tool Academy is trashy reality television. For others, it’s a way to mock the men that are usually the most celebrated in social circles. For us, it’s good evidence that there is a God, and he/she loves us. Tool Academy is actually a superb reality show and not just schlock. We get to see the psychology of the Tools’ behavior, as well as a study of their relationships. At times, the show can be downright heart wrenching. Even better, as the Tools progress we learn to like and even love some of them, overturning our own initial impressions and challenging our preconceptions of the nature of love. Asking us what it means to be an Alpha male. But enough of that, let’s see more of these jerks humiliating themselves.

Starring: Jordan Murphy, Trina Dolenz

Executive Producers: 495 Productions, Sally Ann Salsano, Jim Ackerman, Dave Hamilton

Network: VH1

Airing: Sunday, 9:00pm EST