Celebrity Apprentice – Season Five

Celebrity Apprentice has returned for its fifth season. Once again, a group of egos is crammed way too closely together. On the other hand, Celebrity Apprentice has more depth to it than normal Apprentice, because the goal for each celebrity is to raise money for charity. But there is something about Celebrity Apprentice that has always been unsettling. All of the contestants are intensely sizing each other up, and suddenly famous people are begging a man with a terrifying toupee to not fire them. It’s disorienting.

This cast is fantastic though; there are recognizable names from all over the spectrum. Fiery-table flipping Italian Teresa Giudice from The Real Housewives of New Jersey is one of the most recognizable. Twisted Sister front man Dee Snider, former “Hulk” Lou Ferrigno, Miss Universe Dayana Mendoza, comedians Adam Corolla and Lisa Lampanelli, actress Tia Carrere, and racecar driver Michael Andretti are all also included in the cast. Of course, The Donald pretends he knows these people as if they’re best buddies, just because they’re all in the same exclusive club that is ‘being a celebrity.’

From the get-go, Arsenio Hall (talk show host, actor, and comedian) is throwing out one-liners like it’s his job (oh wait..). While discussing team names Clay Aiken (2^nd season American Idol runner-up) quickly becomes irritated because he’d really like to not come in 2^nd again. Paul Teutul Sr. (star of American Chopper) grunts through his handlebar mustache that he would like the role of project manager for the men’s team “Unanimous.” Patricia Velasquez (the first Latina supermodel) also volunteers to be project manager for the girl’s team, “Forte.”

The task of the week is who can sell the most sandwiches at a Café Metro. Good idea, considering celebrities usually can’t cook, so no one will perish by consuming these creations. While discussing strategy, Paul mumbles again through his handlebar mustache that he can raise half-a-million-dollars himself. While the girls are discussing their strategy, all you can do is stare at Victoria Gotti (writer, star of Growing Up Gotti) in terror. Surely her team should let her do whatever the hell she wants. SHE KNOWS THE MOB. Aubrey O’ Day (member of the former pop group Danity Kane) becomes upset when discussing who is the most recognizable, because she feels as though she is incredibly accomplished and has the most Twitter followers. Sigh.

To attract customers, the men go for a carnival theme and the women go for a celebrity club atmosphere. Some very A-list stars visit the girls’ Café Metro (who must be grateful their career hasn’t gotten to the point where they have to be on this show.) Wyclef comes in and jams with Debbie Gibson (pop star) and Russell Simmons pays ten-grand for a sandwich Victoria and Cheryl Tiegs (one of the first “Supermodels”) rustle together in 2 minutes. Big cash is also being thrown out on the girls’ side; someone pays 25 grand for ONE sandwich.

In front of the men’s sandwich shop, Penn Jillette (magician, half of cultural phenomenon Penn & Teller) is eating fire, girls are dancing, motorcycles are aggressively motoring around…it's pure chaos. Then the store ends up deserted and Clay is begging people to pay $20 for a sandwich. Paul yells at people on the street “ARE YOU HUNGRY?” which is obviously the most charming strategy being used.

The contestants also pay a visit to The Rachael Ray Show, bringing in their best sandwich for Rachel to judge. After returning to the Boardroom, Trump announces that Rachel Ray picked the men’s sandwich as the winner, so they gain 35-grand for their team. Surprisingly, that money is irrelevant because the men’s team wins by raising $330,000 without it, while the women raised around $130,000. Apparently Paul called in a very wealthy friend who alone donated 300K (Which seems unfair, but the Donald doesn’t bat an eye at that fact). In the end, Cheryl Tiegs pretty much eliminates herself because she realizes she can’t handle being around all of these strong personalities (read: nut-jobs). Here’s hoping this season Teresa and Victoria get into a confrontation ending with a classic Teresa table-flip, and Clay finds a reason to sing “Invisible”. Both would be equally exciting and better than what the show will likely have them doing in order to best provoke a fight.