Miss March

It might be difficult to believe that two young, not exactly hideous guys with their own TV show have trouble getting themselves laid. But based on this effort Zach Creggor and Trevor Moore of The Whitest Kids You Know have likely not only never been laid, but if they carry on like this never will be either. Coming out of this appallingly unfunny teen sex comedy, that’s as unoriginal as it is unnecessary, it's clear these guys not only have no clue how to talk to women, they don’t know how to write a script either. In fact they don’t really have a script, they’ve got a couple of ideas for gross out set pieces (wouldn’t it be funny if some girl you were with spat out a mouthful of cum in front of your girlfriend’s conservative parents) and those dictate the resulting slew of directionless, tasteless, humorless, vaguely related vignettes that follow.

Miss March opens with youngsters Eugene (Creggor) and Tucker (Moore) in the midst of a life changing experience – the discovery of an elder brother’s Playboy. Flash-forward to senior year and Eugene is a slavering pervert while Tucker and his girlfriend Cindi (Alessi) preach abstinence to kids; scaring them with the aforementioned elder brother’s tale of debauchery resulting in teen pregnancy, retarded children, and a house full of people burned to death (don’t ask, really). On prom night when the pair pledged to do the deed Tucker instead accidentally knocks himself into a coma. Awakened four years later (Eugene cracks him over the head with a bat), Tucker is astonished to find Cindi spread across the pages of Playboy. Desperate to escape his rampaging epileptic girlfriend who he just stabbed in the face with a fork (again, really better to just not ask) Eugene suggests a fact finding road tip to the Bunny Mansion.

The brainchild of two alleged improv comedians, this should be bread and butter. Yet these guys aren’t characters; they’re walking novelty greeting cards. Eugene, who seems to be channeling some sub-par Jim Carey impressionist, is infinitely slapable when he’s not being downright hostile. Tucker is better in that he vaguely resembles a human being, but that’s as much as he contributes. Oh, and due to atrophy from the coma Tucker shits himself uncontrollably whenever he gets upset.

Not bothering to explain how a guy who preaches abstinence and a guy who reads skin mags in public have remained friends all this time, they also don’t seem to care that the guy playing their hip-hop star classmate, Horsedick.mpeg, very obviously is in his late thirties. He’s got one joke, his name, which they relentlessly beat into the ground like a tent peg. Creggor and Moore have clearly never heard of The Lonely Island and think repeating the line “I’m-a-fuck-a-white-bitch” over and over is clever hip-hop parody. A group of borderline psychotic fireman who pursue our heroes relentlessly across country soon join the rapidly lengthening list of inexplicable goings-on, and that in a nutshell is Miss March; the pair show up, Eugene instantly offends every woman within shouting distance, Tucker shits himself, and a group of nutcase fireman show up to chase them off to the next location – pure gold you must surely agree.

But for an alleged sexy comedy these guys appear positively terrified of the very idea and run screaming from anything approaching actual intercourse like two sniggering twelve-year-olds. A mansion filled with Playboy bunnies inspires nothing more imaginative than having beautiful women drink dog urine and Hef delivering a fortune cookie-type soliloquy to Eugene at the end of which he realizes: “Every girl has a bunny inside of her. If I had only seen my girl’s bunny from the start I wouldn’t have stabbed her in the face and these fireman wouldn’t be trying to kill me.”

If shit gags and thinly veiled misogyny are your thing, by all means dive right in. For everyone else better use of your time and money is to find a joke shop and blow $14 on a singing/dancing plastic cock. The shelf life of the humor is roughly comparable.

Starring: Zach Creggor, Trevor Moore, Raquel Alessi, Molly Stanton, Craig Robinson, Hugh Hefner

Director: Zach Cregor and Trevor Moore

Runtime: 90 Minutes

Distributor: Fox Searchlight

Rating: R