by Joe Galbo • In the world of daytime television, no name stands out like Oprah Winfrey. She is the queen, the empress of the airwaves that entertains millions of stay-at-home moms everyday all over the world. For the past 25 years, Oprah has put her heart, soul and body on display to make our lives a little bit better. In doing so she has become more than just a television talk show host – she’s become a dream maker. Now, after over 3500 episodes of glory, we must bid farewell to our guardian of the book club. Last week, Oprah launched a natonal search for new TV personality to host their own show on her new network, OWN. Today, we set out to answer the question: what skills must one possess to be Oprah 2.0?

Thou Must Create a Need for Mountains of Chocolate

When you’re Oprah you must make dreams come true. At some point in time, all of us have dreamed about owning something that was made entirely of chocolate. Oprah graciously granted us a peak at what a realization of this wish would look like when she unveiled a set made entirely out of Godiva.

What they did with that set after no one will ever know. But, the fact remains: Oprah 2.0 must exceed the set precedent. I recommend a roller coaster of chocolate that carries the audience to the Wonka chocolate factory. Or a family of bears lying in the beds of people, or a great chocolate moon!

Thou Must Rap With Hip Hop Legends

Whatever race Oprah 2.0 is, they’re going to have to rap with the best of them. As we see in this clip, Oprah does her best to keep up with the New Sinatra but, in the end, her flow is nothing more than amateur at best.

Whoever Oprah 2.0 is, they should take some lessons from our resident rapper, the one and only Dan Span:

Thou Shalt Berate Those Who Betray Thee (On National Television)

In  April, 2006, Oprah Winfrey had to invite author James Frey back on her show and give him a public whooping. Why? Because someone at Random House Publishing, and someone on her staff, didn’t do their homework. Frey wrote a book all about being a recovering drug user. It sold millions of copies, became a New York Times Bestseller, and turned out to be a lie.

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Whoever Oprah 2.0 is they must be wary of those who wish to take advantage of them. Should they discover a Judas at their table, they must belittle them in public, and cast them out. Just as the great Oprah did before them.

Thou Shalt Be the Downfall of A-List Celebrities

When Oprah invited Tom Cruise on her show in May, 2005 I’m sure she was just expecting it to be like every other celebrity interview she’s ever done. Well, as Oprah 2.0 will learn, things do not always turn out the way they seem. Cruise was feeling really good that day. Some would even say too good. I mean, Katie Holmes is an attractive girl and all, but there’s no way dating her would ever make me this excited about life.

Unfortunately for Cruise, what should have been part of his comeback to the mainstream turned out to be one of the biggest setbacks of his career. To add insult to injury, new wife Katie Holmes’ career hasn’t fared well since. As a member of the public scenes like the one above are what good television and internet videos are made of, for Oprah 2.0 they could salvage a season of lousy ratings.

Thou Shalt Give Away Astronomical Prizes and Not Pay All the Taxes

To celebrate the premiere of her 19th season, Oprah gave all of her audience members new Pontiac G-Sixes. It was a glorious giveaway and one of the biggest in television history. Problem? The $7000 you had to pay to keep the damn thing. As it turned out, the car giveaway was simply too good to be true. A spokeswoman for Oprah’s production company, Harpo (that’s Oprah spelled backwards), said winners had three choices: keep the car and pay the tax, sell the car and pay the tax with the profits, or give the wheels back. There’s no statistic on how many audience members actually kept the automobiles, but it’s safe to say that Oprah 2.0 will shoot a little lower with their prizes. Maybe a nice DAEWOO or Mercury.

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Thou Shalt Talk About Your Aching Privates

 

Brilliance.