Saturday Night Live this weekend featured Whiplash actor J.K. Simmons as the host and R&B singer D’Angelo as the musical guest

Cold Open

As could be expected, Saturday Night Live went with a Super Bowl theme for the cold open this week. Local Seattle TV station K5 had Seattle Seahawks standouts Marshawn Lynch (Kenan Thompson) and Richard Sherman (Jay Pharoah) on as guests. To every question Sherman posed to his teammate, Lynch predictably replied, “Thank you for asking me that.” As for Sherman, he addressed the possibility of his child being born during the big game, and shouted insults at people who were losing – like NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio.

J.K. Simmons’ Monologue

Simmons started off noting that in addition to his starring turn in Whiplash,  he’s also the voice of the State Farm insurance commercials and the yellow M&M. He then reveals that during the snowstorm, Aidy Bryant and Kyle Mooney helped him write a song. “This is not one of your weird videos,” Simmons yells at Mooney on the drums. When Pete Davidson takes over, Simmons yells at him, “It would help if you started practicing as much as you smoke pot.” When he yells at Leslie Jones, she yells right back at him, “You need to pump your brakes dude.” Fred Armisen ultimately comes out and kills it, earning his praises.

Totino’s Pizza Rolls

Vanessa Bayer plays the doting wife in the Totino’s Pizza Roll commercial that mocks the generally sexist commercials with a wife eagerly preparing game day snacks. “When it comes to the big game, I love feeding my hungry guys, but now what?” asks Bayer’s housewife. The answer is Totino’s Super Bowl Activity Kit for Women. “To keep my mind active and learning while I wait back here,” she explains. “I can spin a little top, connect the dots, do a word search, count my own money!”

Miss Trash

Simmons played the host of the Miss Trash 2015 competition. Miss Trash Delaware’s talents are banging dudes and being rude, Miss Trash California was the woman who fired the shots at the Biden home, Miss Trash New York has more than 400 stitches, and Miss Trash Vermont thought she was competing for Miss America.

Casablanca

Kenan Thompson hosts a cinema show that’s showing an alternate ending to Casablanca where Kate McKinnon plays Ingrid Berman playing Ilsa Lund and J.K. Simmons plays Humphrey Bogart playing Rick Blaine. When Richard suggests she board the plane, Ilsa says, “No Richard no, Richard, no no no no no oh Richard, noo.” But when he tells her she might end up in a concentration camp, she declares,  “If you let me go, alright, I’ll get right on it,” adding later, “I don’t want to turn around and not see a plane behind me and wake up in a CC, that’s short for concentration camp.”

Teacher Snow Day

In the “Teacher Snow Day” music video, a high school staff gets wild in the building while the students are home. “You think we’re going to trade papers, but we’re using them to make that ganga smoke,” says Strong’s pot-smoking teacher. Others are cooking meth, doing lines and having sex. When Principal Herman (Simmons) arrives, he declares, “The dress code is out, I’m not wearing pants.”

Weekend Update

Colin Jost and Michael Che tackled the top stories, which included digs at Mitt Romney, Chris Christie and President Obama’s chummy relationship with Saudi Arabia. “You can’t expect to like everything about your drug dealer,” Che noted, calling oil America’s drug. Strong’s one-dimensional female character from a male drive comedy stopped by, as did Taran Killam‘s 1970s movie critic Jebidiah Atkins.

The Jay Z Story

The Jay Z Story is a “fully accurate” biopic featured Mike O’Brien as the hip-hop superstar. While Sasheer Zamata plays Beyonce, Jason Sudeikis plays Kanye West and J.K. Simmons plays Nas is the odd short from O’Brien. “This is insane,” says Jay Z, replacing his Best Cocaine Dealer trophy with a Grammy. “I can’t believe I’m great at rap.”

Career Day

At career day, Jake’s (Davidson) Dad (Simmons) reveals that he’s a Japanese Messy Boy. Apparently, Japanese women hire men like him to eat messy food and wear little boy’s underpants and a bib that says Lil’ messy while he does so. “Food changes, but it’s always sloppy,” says the proud father. “Japanese messy boys are forbidden from using napkins.” As he’s wrapping up, he gets a work call, which says, “Today BBQ rib. Client expect big messer.”

D’Angelo

D’Angelo sang “Really Love” and “The Charade.”