Last week’s episode of The Real Housewives Of New Jersey saw the ladies celebrating New Year’s Eve, and this week the ladies are really channeling the mantra, “new year, new me”. The episode opens with Teresa joyously reclaiming her spot as matriarch of the Giudice family, cooking breakfast for the girls and getting them ready for school. Tre is obviously happy to be home but admits to being very tired, because the past couple of weeks have been a “world wind” for her.

After her daughters leave for school, Teresa’s doorbell rings and Jacqueline is there with coffees. The two OGs discuss their friendship and agree on a “new beginning” and hug it out. Tre teaches Jacqueline what she learned while in prison, including some yoga positions (in her leopard-print slippers and ankle monitor) and how to make a homemade dildo.

*Cut to Melissa’s boutique*

Who. Cares.

*Cut to Dolores*

Dolores, continuing the theme of new beginnings, invites Siggy over to help renovate her house. It’s the first time Dolores is living back in her house since breaking up with her fiancé and wants to breathe new life into the space.

*Fast forward past Tre and Siggy meeting for the first time to plan Dolores’ leopard-themed birthday party* BAM! We’re at the party. Kathy and Rosie, along with several other middle-aged women in leopard print, arrive at Dolores’ birthday party. Although Teresa greets her estranged family members the tension is noticeable to all those around them. In an effort to loosen the vibe, Siggy organizes a game for all the ladies to play. The game saw Kathy pretending to have a boner and Jacqueline and Dolores simulating cunnilingus, you know, typical things housewives do when drunk.

After the party Teresa drives a drunken Melissa home and the two share a few laughs. At the end of this episode the ladies’ futures look bright: Teresa has mended her relationships with Jacqueline and Melissa, Dolores’ home renovation is beginning, and Melissa’s boutique is almost ready to open (who cares).

Housewives Side Notes:

Teresa:

  • Can make a homemade dildo.
  • Juicy Joe likes her new yoga moves in the bedroom.
  • Thinks “seratogan” is a word.

Melissa:

  • Her business partner has pink hair and wears tutus.
  • Has a drunken alter-ego: Melissa “Motherfucking” Gorga.
  • Isn’t a squirter.

Jacqueline:

  • Is kinky and owns a lot of sex toys.
  • Gets blotchy when talking to Teresa.

Dolores:

  • Is very Italian and very Catholic.
  • Her grandmother is 102 years old.
  • Maintains a great relationship with her baby daddy.

Siggy:

  • Was nicknamed “Siggy the Sea Monster”.
  • Is a relationship expert.
  • Considers herself a “true blue” friend.
  • Will wipe your pee if you pee your pants.
  • Never orgasmed with her last husband.
  • Always carries a fan.
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