Michelle Rodriguez realized that she was jealous of Paul Walker‘s death after taking Peruvian psychedelic drug ayahuasca.

Michelle Rodriguez On Paul Walker’s Death

Rodriguez starred alongside Walker in the Fast and Furious franchise films, the first of which came out in 2001. Over the course of the films, the two developed a deep friendship, leaving Rodriguez shattered at his untimely death. Unable to deal with her emotions at the time, Rodriguez admits to having a crazy year in the documentary The Reality of Truth.

“I have to say, you know, when I lost Paul, I went through about a year of just being an animal,” Rodriguez said in a clip of the documentary obtained by TMZ. “Like, what could I do, physically, to just get my mind off of existentialism? Get my mind off of how transient life is and how we come here and can just disappear at any moment. How could I get my mind off that? I did everything I could possibly do to hide from myself.”

Rodriguez added, “And I’ll tell you that my ayahuasca trip made me sad that he left me here. It wasn’t a sadness that he’s gone, it’s more like a jealousy that he’s there first.”

This is not the first time that Rodriguez has opened up about the months that followed Walker’s death in November 2013.

“I actually went on a bit of a binge. I went crazy a little bit. I went pretty crazy. A lot of the stuff I did last year I would never do had I been in my right mind,” Rodriguez, who had well-publicized relationships with Cara Delevingne and Zac Efron during that time, told Entertainment Weekly in 2015. “I was pushing myself to feel. I felt like nothing I could do could make me feel alive, so I just kept pushing myself harder and harder. I was traveling and I was having sex. And I was just trying to ignore everything that I was feeling.”

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