Duchess Meghan Markle revealed she felt suicidal and had thoughts of self-harm during the early days of her marriage because of the way tabloids attacked her.

In a interview with Oprah Winfrey on CBS on Sunday, she spoke candidly about her feelings. “Look, I was really ashamed to say it at the time and ashamed to have to admit it to Harry especially, because I know how much loss he has suffered, but I knew that if I didn’t say it, then I would do it,” she said. “I just didn’t want to be alive anymore. And that was a very clear and real and frightening constant thought.”

“I thought it would have solved everything for everyone,” she added.

She recounted the time she told Prince Harry about her dark thoughts. She explained that he was scheduled to attend a performance at Royal Albert Hall, but she was afraid of what she might do if she was alone, so she accompanied him to the show.

“I remember him saying, ‘I don’t think you can go,’ and I said, ‘I can’t be left alone.'” Markle said photos from the night show the couple smiling, but you can see how tightly they hold on to each other’s hands.

“We’re both just trying to hold on,” she said. She added that every time the audience lights went down during the performance she would weep.

“And that’s, I think so important for people to remember, is you have no idea what’s going on for someone behind closed doors. No idea,” she said. “Even the people that smile and shine the brightest lights. You need to have compassion for what it actually potentially going on.”

Markle also described the reaction she received from an “institution” when she reached out for help.

“I went to the institution and said that I needed to go somewhere to get help, said that I’ve never felt this way before and I need to go somewhere, and they said I couldn’t, that it wouldn’t be good for the institution.”

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