Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart made an appearance on The Late Show last night to speak with host Stephen Colbert about Donald Trump and his first 10 days in office.
Stewart came out with a red tie long enough to hit the floor and an animal skin hat. “The president sets men’s fashion, I saw the inauguration,” he explained. “Super long tie, dead animal on head, boom, done.”
The former Late Show host claimed he had more of Trump’s coming executive orders and offered to read some for the crowd. “By the authority vested in me by the Constitution, I, Donald J. Jonah Jameson Trump, hereby direct that to secure our border, China shall immediately and without hesitation send us their wall,” Stewart joked while doing a Trump impression. “Done, boom. Done. Boom. Done. Boom. Done. China’s wall, sent to us, boom. Done.”
“How then do we get Mexico to pay for it?” asked Colbert
“This is the genius, Stephen!” Stewart answered. “When the wall arrives at the Southern border, we shut the lights, we pretend we’re not home. It’s C.O.D. Mexico has to sign for it. Boom, they pay for it, done.”
“I, Donald J. Lincoln Kennedy Trump III, do pronounce America now finally has an official language … the new official language of the United States is bulls–t,” Stewart said, and had to pause for applause. “I, Donald J. Trump have instructed my staff to speak only in bull—-. By the way, none of that ‘Sure, I’m gonna talk bull—- at work, but at home I’m going to use facts and real information.’ No. Bull—-, all the time, immersion, it’s the only way to be fluent.”
The next and final order was also the longest. Here it is in full:
“I, Donald J. Trump, do declare by executive order that I, Donald J. Trump, am exhausting. It has been 11 days, Stephen. Eleven f—ing days. Eleven! The presidency is supposed to age the president, not the public.
The reason that I, Donald J. Trump, am exhausting is that every instinct and fiber of my pathological self-regard calls me to abuse of power. … I, Donald J. Trump, want — no, deserve — not just your respect but your adoration. Parades with the tanks and the synchronized dancing. And why can’t they train 10,000 doves to spell out ‘Trump’ in the clouds? How hard can it be, they’re already flying!
I, Donald J. Trump, am exhausting because it is going to take relentless stamina, vigilance, and every institutional check and balance this great country can muster to keep me, Donald J. Trump, from going full Palpatine with the lightning coming out of the fingertips, and the ‘fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate.’
We have never faced this before: purposeful, vindictive chaos. But perhaps therein lies the saving grace of my, Donald J. Trump’s, presidency. No one action will be adequate. All actions will be necessary. And if we do not allow Donald Trump to exhaust our fight and somehow come through this presidency calamity-less and constitutionally, partially intact, then I, Donald J Trump, will have demonstrated the greatness of America — just not the way I thought I was gonna.”
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