The virgin city of Miami is where the tipsy consortium of raconteurs take us this week. We learn about movie stars becoming heroes by giving in to nagging wives, Spanish Colonial viceroys making the New World into their own personal playgrounds, and that drug trafficking is not just a man’s world.

‘Drunk History’ Recap & Review

Greg Worswick tells us about Private Clark Gable, played by Josh Hartnet. Carole Lombard and Gable are newly married and life is perfect. Then WWII starts. They both get involved in the war effort and Clark lends his face to some brochures while Carole makes a much larger commitment. She is killing it selling war bonds and breaking records. Clark is going to have to go into the army if he expects to compete.

Carol’s plane goes down on her way back to Hollywood and she dies. Her ghostly voice haunts Clark, nagging at him to get himself “into this man’s army.” He enlists and is sent to Miami where he swears to a group of paparazzi that he will shave off his mustache for a while if they leave him alone. He flies 25 missions and comes home to be a part of the christening of the S.S. Carole Lombard.

Jessica Meraz regales us with the misadventures of Juan Ponce de Leon (Johnny Knoxville). His story as viceroy of Puerto Rico begins when King Ferdinand of Spain says, “you know what, Ponce? I dig you,” But he meets opposition. Diego Colombus is Christopher’s son and is described as “rich kid, d**k-face.” He wants to ruin everything for Ponce. Diego marries the king’s daughter and forces him to make Diego the viceroy of the West Indies which he plunders and turns Hispaniola into a frat boy party. Diego kicks Ponce out of power and treats the people of Puerto Rico badly, to which Ponce decides to fight back. He writes the king to let him have an Island to the north and west of Puerto Rico. King Ferdinand grants him this and he is like, “Alright, sweet.”

He arrives at undiscovered land which he claims in the name of Spain.

Dan Harmon tells the long, sorry tale of Griselda Blanco (Maya Rudolph), “the Godmother of Cocaine.” She marries Alberto Bravo, a member of the Medellin Cartel and they move to New York to pursue the white, powdery American dream. “Welcome to 1970s America where everybody is on cocaine: athletes, policemen, meter maids, your uncle.” The DEA and Bob Palumbo form a task force to stop the cocaine trafficking.

Alberto Bravo runs out on Griselda and steals millions from her as he goes. Griselda goes to Colombia to face her husband. After a lot of “baby” this and “you effed me that,” Alberto shoots her in the gut and she shoots him in the face. She then kills all his bodyguards with his Uzi and is the only survivor, earning herself the nickname “The Black Widow.” She then makes her “biggest f**kin’ move of all” and goes to Miami, a town thirsty for cocaine. She becomes the dominant criminal who Bob Palumbo wants to kiss on the mouth.

She starts getting high on her own supply and flees to Irvine, Calif., where the DEA finally catches up to her. She is released from prison and later dies in a motorcycle drive-by (a method she pioneered) back in Medellin.

This weeks episode is full of stories about seemingly unfortunate situations that work out for the players in the foreground. Whether it’s discovering new land, a massacre that involves someone’s ex-husband and his friends, or fighting the Nazis for 25 straight missions, Drunk History makes it all sound like a night out on the town.

Pictured: Maya Rudolph as Griselda Blanco

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